First Time Being Called A N****R

I’m not naive about what’s going on in today’s world when it comes to People of color (POC), I see the videos, pictures, social media and the news everyday and my heart breaks every single time I see another black man or woman being shot or beaten up because of their skin color.

my sister and I was leaving the gym may 2017 around noon, and we decided to visit another store beside the gym before heading home. So as we were leaving the store and driving to come out of the mall parking lot we had to stop because this guy was trying to get out of his spot to leave, but as he was trying to turn his car around to drive straight out, this lady in a car came speeding in his direction beeping and telling him to hurry up. at this point my sister and I was just sitting and waiting for the way to be cleared, and as we were waiting a delivery truck was beside our car delivering items to a store that was outside the mall (it’s attached to the mall but to enter the store you would have to do so from outside). As we sat there waiting for the way to be clear, before we knew it the guy was gone and this lady speeds up in between our car and the delivery truck with no way of passing through, so at this point she’s clearly mad in life and start yelling at my sister to hurry up and move the car, and my sister replies saying “lady calm down, I’m not going to move because you tell me to” and how “their isn’t enough space” she wasn’t interested in hearing what my sister had to say to her so my sister ended up driving off and with doing so my side mirror bounce her side mirror leaving a scratch on hers and mine, so she starts yelling “hey you hit my car.” At this point my sister has driven off and I hear my sister say “look at her using her white privilege” because at this point this lady jumped out her car and called on  security guards and others to try and stop us, we were still at the entrance of the mall but at a red light, so as the light turns green and we start driving off  from the corner of my eye I see her and the security guard running towards our car. While driving away we decided to turn back and handle the situation better..oh boy we were wrong!

We get out the car and she starts going on about how we scratched her car..and I said to one of the security guards “can I tell you what happen at the side please” he said “sure” so I start talking and told him how “we were trying to leave and a guy in front of us was trying to turn his car to drive straight out and she came speeding in” when I said the part about her “speeding in” she got mad and starting going off on me and I did the same, because your not going to yell at me and call me names and I’m going to just sit back and take it, she was saying “I’m a little girl” “I need to go to school and get an education” “I need to go get a job” and I was just calling her “stupid” and how “she needs to shut up because she doesn’t know me” and at this point a security guard was standing between us, and as we were going back and forth she says “you NIGGER!” at this point I was in total shock and disbelief! and I sure did react by starting to go off and tearing up and all she was doing as I was reacting was looking me straight in my eyes while smirking and nodding  her head up and down. I was so angry and hurt..the Manager from our gym stepped in and said to me “hey come over here let me talk to you” this was his away of getting me to remove myself from the situation. He calmed me down by talking to me and just encouraged me with positive words that I needed to hear in that moment because he seen and heard everything.

When she called me the N word, I was angry and in that moment I felt like I wasn’t who I know I am, I felt like something was stripped away from me. I was really confused also because as my sister and I was driving back in I seen this lady talking to a black guy and smiling up in his face and by the body language it seem like it was someone she knew. So when she called me that word and I looked back I was confused, but I know for sure a racist will smile up in your face and have some disgusting shit to say behind our backs, they will smile and sleep with us but when they are ready they will say some terrible things and show you how racist they really are. After speaking with the gym manager and then the police officer (by law when two vehicle has come into contact; big or small you have to exchange information, plus she claimed she felt unsafe so she went to the community  police station located in our mall)..I knew I came out that situation the winner and not the loser she thought I was going to be, I had people standing beside me that was able to let me know I am not what she says I am, and that I am a strong and smart individual. One thing I do know is she’s the real problem and that she is a very miserable close minded individual.

I’m not a N****r, I’m a winner.

Letting Go…

For me letting go is a really hard thing to do, I feel like I need to hold on just a little bit longer, or things will get better and truthfully it’s the most draining difficult thing to do..holding on to people you should not be hanging on to. One thing I’m trying to teach myself is if I wake up every day and someone in my life has me feeling down trigger my happiness in a negative way they don’t belong. Why is it so hard to let go of people that truly don’t want the best for you but it’s so easy to let go the good ones?? …

 

As A Child.

As a child life was so easy and fun back then, had nothing to worry about unless you did something bad, like fighting, stealing, swearing, or even misbehaving etc. oh my as a child you went on bike rides with friends or even your favourite cousins, or just a walk to the park and got home before dark and still had a little bit of time for tv after showering before getting sent off to bed. Then you start getting a bit older and for some of us it was still fun and just being able to enjoy our young days, and while some of us was still able to smile and enjoy life. Behind closed doors it was something else..something deeper and troubling that only you kept to yourself because you were afraid of getting into trouble or just thinking people won’t beleive you. She was about ten and over the summer her and her sister use to go to her dads workplace (her mom worked with dad at the time so it made sense to just bring the kids along). Her dad hired a guy that needed work and from the moment he laid eyes on her she felt extremely uncomfortable. As the days and week go by he got very brave and started touching ME inappropriately. My parents felt as if they could trust him enough and that he would be doing his work and my sister and I would be doing whatever; I remember it like it happened yesterday. My sister and I was playing in the front and I remember as we were playing he came to the front and in a gentle fun way  he pressed are foreheads together so we would be facing down, and that was the first time he touched my butt…then the second time he called me in the back office and I got scared but I still went and he touched my chest and my front from outside my pants, and I remember telling my cousin who was also experimenting on my sister and I and she laughed right in my face! and I just know I went numb and blank, even to this day I can’t remember what she said. It continued for about a good two weeks I beleive, until I builded up the courage to tell my mom what had happened and she ask me why didn’t I tell her and that was the end of it. She packed my sister and I bag and sent us off to my aunty house (cousin who was experimenting on us) for the whole week and when I got home we never spoke about it ever again.That didn’t help me to heal what so ever, we basically just threw it into a box tossed the keys, but kept the box and wasn’t able to open it because the key was nowhere to be found. So with that on my chest I had to deal with this cousins who I considered my favourite cousin growing up, but as an adult who is trying to build a life with a child and a wonderful boyfriend  and still healing I started to realize what a shitty, not so protective cousin she was. She is older than me by I believe two or three years and she introduced me into touching myself and even touching her and all that other stuff and it was just soo wrong, peer pressured into sneaking out and having older guys violate me, snitching on me about little things to family member just for money. From time to time growing up we would stop talking and then start talking again..and recently she decided to walk out my life and as much as I was hurt at first, I’m glad she walked away..her excuse was just bullshit and I know the real reason and that’s all that matters and I don’t plan to be buddy buddy and alright with someone that did that to me…all I know is I’m still here and as much as my past was a damaging one to me I will be ok.

I learned that if you don’t talk to someone and heal, it will haunt you from time to time and that is the worse part. You sit and think you forgot and that you are ok, but you smell a certain scent or see a certain scene, color, people and it just hits you, and the more it hits the more disturbing and hard it gets. So for anyone that has had this happen to them..get help, talk to someone and have conversations with the kids in your life to make sure they are ok and that they can come to you if anything like that happens to them. My daughter is five and I make sure to tell her not to let people touch her in certain places or ways and if its uncomfortable she can com to mommy and daddy and to never be scared and that she won’t get in trouble. Never excuse such actions and never dismiss the fact that we all need to talk to someone when it happens, it’s not ok to be MOLESTED.

Couple Days After Election.

So it’s been a couple days after the election and as we all know TRUMP was elected. Some people like myself are still in shock and just confused and others are very excited…

The way I feel about the election is..I feel like it was rigged, people that was suppose to vote never voted, this just shows me how messed up America is, and the people that stand with this man! (I’m Speechless). How can a man that’s so sexist, racist, ignorant, hateful, misogynist and a narcissist etc. be able to stand up and say “I the President!”.. ever since I heard he was running and his on-going bad behavior along with what goes on at his rallies, I’ve been slapped back into reality of what is really going on in the world. People, Racism is still alive and it’s still fresh. With this man running America he his opening doors for all types of violent and he is opening doors for all the racist to come from behind closed doors and show their faces and do what racist people do. I also truly feel that some people that voted for him is tired of what America has been offering especially to certain class (low-class people) they just want some type f change, and with a man like trump with a lot of money I think they feel like he would be great and be able to carry in his business mind set and make something different and good happen for them, but the reality is Trump doesn’t care about the people, not even his own “supporters” and by the way he talks and go on it’s very clear.

I’m just scared for our future and our children future as well, and for those people that really think they will not be affected by what is about to happen, they are in for the shock of their lives.

How do you feel about Trump being the president, and do you think our future is in for a deep awakening??…

 

FINALLY!

This is the post excerpt.

Hey Beautiful! I  always wanted to start my own Blog page but I was extremely nervous about going down this road just because of some of the people I might come across. But I decided to suck it up and make one of my goals happen..so here I am!!!

On my Blog I will be sharing my thought/Opinions, Experiences etc. maybe some beauty and whatever comes to mind. While on this journey I would love to hear from everyone, share your thoughts/opinion with me along with some ideas and experiences of any sort…Lets Talk.

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100%

what does 100% mean to you? To me, when seeing 100% I think of a perfect mark..well that’s what we’ve been told growing up by our parents and teachers. But does such percentage really matter? I don’t really care for such a high percentage, no one is perfect.. we all can’t  give 100% especially when it comes to relationships, friendships, family, school and work. All we can do is try our best, give what we can. So if you wake up today and everyone around you wants you to give 100% in all that you do, don’t stress yourself, you give what you can. It doesn’t mean your life is over, your dumb, hopeless, lazy, it doesn’t mean any of those. We weren’t build to be perfect, so why should we wake up every morning feeling the need to give out that much. What you do is wake up in the morning decide what goal you want to accomplish today and try your best, do what you can… because some of the smartest/successful people in this world go through school and life giving 50% and be sitting exactly where they planned on being. My whole point is, and I had to tell myself this as well, is do not feel bad, hopeless, or give up because today you didn’t or couldn’t hit that 100% mark our parents and teachers filled our heads with…you can give 35%-50% and still reach your goals.

Do you think  going through life, daily plans and goals, 100% really matters?..